Another True Mother's Day Post
A few facts have been vaguely altered and a few others simply left vague in order to protect the innocent and the guilty (and just generally keep names out of the paper), but the below story is most...
View ArticleThe Rodentia Redemption
Last year I was greatly disappointed by the release of Cars. The cautionary nature of its hideous advertising campaign notwithstanding, I entered the theater prepared for a film in true Pixar tradition...
View ArticleThe Only East German on the Streets of Berlin
Alex Kerner is dating a Russian. They met while protesting the wall and the repression of East German press. It is now 1990, the wall has fallen, and Alex is acting... strange. He refuses to wear...
View Article"...then it fell apart, it fell apart."
Jason Bourne is today's action hero. And, unlike most of his ilk, his story arc is actually worthwhile, his films more than strobe lights and punch lines to which popcorn is eaten. Which is why I am so...
View ArticleSaving Freshman Ryan
Capture the Flag. It's an enticing idea. Unfortunately, it is often played over such a small field as to be impractical and essentially random. Tactics become severely limited. Recently, however, I was...
View ArticleFoam Storm Rising
Fifteen years ago, the height of the Nerf arsenal was called the Missilestorm. It held four foam arrows on flimsy launching rods and cost parents a whopping 20 USD. The arrows were too large to be...
View ArticleThis Christmas, Feel Like a Kid Feeling Like a Spy Again
So, this Christmas thing. Is it getting a little… boring? Seriously, I bet some of you are just grousing about how big the credit card bill is after trying to keep the kiddies in all the coolest toys...
View ArticleMortimer Randolph is 'The Things They Carried'
You're The Things They Carried!by Tim O'BrienHarsh and bitter, you tell it like it is. This usually comes in short,dramatic spurts of spilling your guts in various ways. You carry a heavy load, and...
View ArticleBook 'Em.
Tonight I have discovered my calling. From this day forward, my sole purpose is to seek out and destroy every copy of the film known as “The Notebook.”One copy of the script shall be kept under guard...
View ArticleMalling
Appalling, isn’t it? Today, I drove over thirty miles to the parking lot outside an establishment known colloquially as “the mall.” With the direct and sole intent of entering said...
View Article"New Wave Chess"
As editor of a weekly newspaper, I receive a great deal of email every day. Some of it is from advertisers. But most of it is from a) people who have been referred by public relations firms or b)...
View ArticleCowboys and "cowboys"
If you're a Texan, you'll get this. Unless you're one of the joke's butts.Same goes for a few southwesterners (it was printed in Arizona), Montanans and Wyomingites.--Bill Mauldin, "Arizona Highways"...
View ArticleTwo disappointing
I hate having to say the expected thing.The Two Jakes is an unworthy sequel to Chinatown and a poor imitation of Raymond Chandler.I said the expected thing. It also happens to be true.Dissing sequels...
View Articletxt mssge fun
Actual text messages regarding a student's second look at academic suspension in a small private liberal arts university, sent 13 days before final exams in the fall semester.From: So yeah, i have to...
View ArticleCrying for a Charge
My cell phone's all wetIt won't give me any peaceIt cries out in the nightIt could break any leaseMy cell phone's adeptAt waiting just the right timeTo let loose againWith that noise that's a crimeCan...
View ArticleDown from the Bottom
Honey, I'm homeIt's been a pretty rough dayI just want to restAnd drink it all awaySorry my feet smellBut I gotta take these offBeen sitting at workSweating into my socksI'm not into dinnerI can't...
View ArticleGet Short
At a basketball gameThe sport that I loveA guy smiles at meFrom way up aboveHey, Shorty, he says,That must be your nameYou'll have to stand on my shouldersIf you wanna see the gameI hate him alreadyI'm...
View ArticleThe Chattering
Dead man walkingThat's what some call guys like meTrudging the long corridorFace lined with defeatThe bleak gray-painted wallsThe sick chemical smellMy stomach is queasyMy heart feels unwellI sit in...
View ArticleThe Mission
Key in the ignitionI give it a turnThere's a job to do andI've a paycheck to earnThe rig on the car's roofIs brightly aglowWith blue and with redAs I drive into the snowA detour aheadThis makes me...
View ArticleThe Skin Game
'Dermatologist tested'Is what a companyPut on the packageOf its goop for acneMolly was shoppingAnd here's what she read:'Skin science dudesProve it kills blackheads'Had she followed the asteriskShe...
View ArticleFire Team
Sand and rocks andBuildings colored dunDust floats and it's allBlown out by the sunJohnny Walker up frontReady riding pointHis hand shakes on the rifleHis lips yearn for a jointHis mind isn't hereIt’s...
View ArticleCruelty Inconspicuous
They're everywhere this morningThe numbers seem absurdSo many bodies lying thereLittered is the wordIn the dark and early lightTheir flesh darkened as it driedWriggling, struggling, strivingThey tried...
View ArticleMormon Vice, the Utah Heat premiere
The job just doesn't seem worth it anymore, Hal. Jimmy took one in the lung today. He's got five kids. Three wives. I don't know how I'm gonna break it to his fiancée. - "Mormon Vice"
View ArticleAnother preview of "Utah Heat," coming soon/eventually
Yes. There was a gun in my pocket, and I am happy to see you. - "Both, actually"
View Article
